Review: MS. HOLMES & MS. WATSON - APT. 2B at Arcola Theatre

Arriving a tad sodden at the wonderfully vibrant Arcola, a fringe venue which has developed a fantastic reputation in recent years, I spotted a number of fellow reviewers who’d already arrived. Those who had taken the trouble to read a bit of blurb beforehand knew that the play MS HOLMES & MS WATSON — APT. 2B was by Kate Hamill and directed by Sean Turner. Given the title, it was also a safe bet that a reworking of Conan Doyle’s famous characters was somehow involved. In fact, referencing the programme notes after the play ended, I found this claim: “… a whip smart, darkly comic collision of classic mystery and modern mayhem.” The passage went on to wax lyrically about this incarnation of Holmes and Watson presenting as a “…fiercely funny, gloriously dysfunctional duo… with sharp wit and banter”, promising a show “…packed with hijinks, high-stakes sleuthing and a bold feminist twist.”

Unfortunately, it appears that I endured an entirely different play, one at which I found myself monstrously bored, exhausted by the non-stop idiocy posing as erudition, and generally wishing that I’d stayed home in front of the television. It doesn’t happen often — this is perhaps only the third one star review I have ever posted — but sadly for everyone involved with the production, I fear mine will be reflective of many others.

Ms Watson (Simona Brown) has travelled to England from the USA, leaving behind a former husband and a career in medicine. The personal issues that cause her to pass out, however, seem to have remained with her. She is looking for digs and comes to view apartment 2B being let by a skittish and apologetic Mrs Hudson (Alice Lucy, who also gets to play Irene Adler and Mrs Drebber). Ms Watson’s neighbour-to-be, Sherlock Holmes (Lucy Farrett) is about as discombobulating as it is possible to be, initially appearing clad in a fencing mask with duelling foil at the ready, and seemingly flitting from aggressively forthright to obnoxiously contrary with a flash of the eyes. The characterisation is freakishly unedifying, never quite landing on a spectrum marker which would denote realistic. As such, the entire production is awash with characters making grandiloquent statements and using an excess of silly and irritating hyperbole. The script resists being funny. Not once did I find myself laugh and looking around the audience on the three sides of this thrust design on Max Dorey’s laudable effort at a stage setting, did I see anyone’s expression more elevated than abject resignation.

The fourth member of the cast (Tendai Humphrey Sitima) plays a mix of Lestrade of the yard and a wealthy malignant American operator Elliot Monk who may be making a political run, who may be a pastiche of a real South African trillionaire with the same initials, who may be Moriarty. Having lost the will to live, I really didn’t care and just wanted the nonsense to stop so that I could get home and take a paracetamol.

MS HOLMES & MS WATSON - APT. 2B plays at Arcola Theatre until 20 December 2025.